I am a student of life.

I plead GUILTY for being stupid.

Ever hated someone so much just because they treated you unfairly? Who the heck has the standards anyway of fairness? Do we have the right to say hey I’m fair and you’re not, or be judged outrightly if we failed to comply by the rule one has set as fairness? Or do we just live and take everything that comes knockin on our door?

When do you say enough is enough? In love, is there such? If there is, then when? When you’re tired? When you don’t feel like liking it anymore? When you’ve waited for nothing? When someone says they don’t want you anymore? When you’ve given everything? When nothing’s happening? Do you get to say enough when inasmuch as you wanna make a person happy, he / she shuts himself / herself from you? And what do you do? By all means break the wall? Or let it go? Or hardest thing would be to wait till it opens once again. Cause maybe the price for patience is an open door. When do you get to have that reward? When you’re dead? When you left nothing for yourself anymore? When you got no more love to give? Or simply when someone utters “Ayoko na.” Does it suffice? How far would you go before you say enough?

I’ve fallen in love, and fallen out of it as well. I’ve been through all hoops of happiness, love, pain and break-ups. But none is identical to any. Each has its own good memories, has its own lesson, has its own bitterness and resentment, and has its own scar. And each has contributed to my growth as a person, as a lover, as a friend. 

How do I love?

I’ve been a scumbag, a masochist, a mute, a sadist, a bitch, a selfish partner, closed minded, impatient, inconsiderate, childish. I’ve been a spoiled junkie, I hurt through words and actions, I leave easily, I give up most of the time. But I can sum these all up into one - I’m prideful. 

But when I love, I make a decision. A commitment that neither emotion nor philosophy can break. I stick to it, I live with it, and I never let anything get in the way.

If you ask me if it’s enough love? I don’t know. But I think not. Something’s still missing and I wish to learn it.

I’m a believer. I trust easily and wholeheartedly. I believe. Even when cliches are spoken and promised, even when things are more ideal than real, I get to believe. Maybe its because you love, and the only thing you could hold on to is those words spoken…

Above it all, I plead guilty for being stupid. Guess I just love and trust so much that I held on to every spoken word, not discerning the doubt behind the feel-good words. I believed in every promises, and was so stupid enough to not see it being broken right in front of me. I believed in every uttered dream. But I was euphoric enough to realize those were dreams of temporary thoughts. I believed in the future. BUT IS SO STUPID ENOUGH TO EVEN CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY AND EXISTENCE OF WHAT WE REGARD TO AS “BROKEN DREAMS”.

Now, I’m hurting. And major part of it is self-inflicted. I pushed too much. I gave so much. I flew high enough to just fall and be an earth’s artwork. What was once a beautiful pavement, a rocky cliff awaited me and with only a dysfunctional parachute on hand, I fell. And I fell harder than ever. Now with broken bones, shattered dreams, bleeding heart, reddened eyes, inflamed eyelids, overused tear-producing organs, sleepless nights, aching chest, I still get the strength to ask, Why?

The next days would be the hardest, it will hurt the deepest, and you, yes you who failed to stand up and be mature enough to face this with all boldness, will be hated to the nth level of hateness. 

Why not write again?

31st of August, 2011

This day, I met someone I had the initial strength to resist. But the move has been done, and who am I to say no? Then the messages came like a river flowing. Phone calls were enthusiastically enjoyed. Everyday seemed like magic, all the butterflies in the stomach, all the smiling even just with the thought of the person texting, all the euphoria this drug had caused - natural high is what people call it. A free one-text-away drug that’s neatly coated with sweetness and attractiveness. An irresistible pill masked with beauty for show. An addictive drug, nonetheless.

21st of September, 2011

People may have called it the day unexpected but it happened. I seriously wanna write down the details but I can’t. Every little thing about it makes me cry so maybe I’ll write it down later. 

I’m sorry I havent written for a very long time, and I’m sure as hell I don’t know how to start and where I’m going, so..